I know it's been a while since my last post. I'm sorry about that. I got a bit caught up in Life. I found myself in a relationship, but now it has ended. He worked so hard to convince me to be in love again. I completely didn't believe that someone could possibly fall in love with me three days after meeting me. But he did. I finally figured I would throw caution to the wind and indulge myself. Take a risk. Then he ended up having issues with his immigration and things began to get more confused. He started getting distant. He broke up with me, then it hurt too much and we stayed together. Then I tried breaking up with him, but he convinced me otherwise. Now, he broke up with me again. We have both decided to keep it this way. If he leaves the U.S., I honestly don't believe he would be interested in returning again. Not even love can keep him here.

He is not the only person I know that is going through this. My friend Stian has a similar issue. Our immigration process has gotten so backed up that people who should have gotten green cards are made to wait and wait. What if the company they work for goes out of business? After they have settled in here, made friends, a home. In some cases, bought houses and cars. They get accustomed to the American way of life and then we throw them out as if they never belonged here to begin with. Some do what they can to stay here because there is nothing left for them where they came from. It just does not seem fair at all.

This country was once called "the melting pot" because of our diversity of cultures. If we continue the way we are with the immigration process, the diversity will fade away.

I have written the Senator Bill Nelson to see if I can get something started concerning our immigration process. I know the country is concerned with the recession, healthcare, foreign affairs and the list goes on. I'm only one person but I'm hoping to find more voices to perhaps join me in this.

It started out with something different, but I am hoping to make this a bigger cause than just a broken heart.

because I have not written a blog. Unfortunately for Max, it will not be a poem entry. I'll just do a life update.

This have been pretty hectic since January. My step-dad has been in and out of the hospital since early January. My mom has been in need of having me around and it has been keeping be rather busy.

On the work side of things, I am proud to say that the company I work for has not laid anyone off. We all even received end of the year raises as well as our normal Christmas bonuses. Not everyone can say that in this economy. We still have all of the same benefits and the costs didn't even get raised any. I am still itching to move somewhere in the company though. We'll see if 2009 is the year for that to happen.

On a side note, I ordered a new laptop through Dell. Yes, you heard correctly, a Dell. I would have loved to get a MacBook but I could not afford all of it out of pocket and I get more of a discount getting it through my work. Work also allows me to pay a down payment and take out small increments throughout the course of a year. I know, my company totally rocks the casbah. I made sure I got the most powerful PC I could make on Dell so there would be no real need to upgrade for quite a while. I want to also (possibly) dual boot Solaris to help me get my admin skills on so I can hopefully get some certs in the near future. I'm hoping to get a MacBook next year.

On the personal side of things, someone from my past has resurfaced into my life. He is someone I know through friends from about 11 years ago. He cared about me a lot back then, but I just didn't believe him because I had been in relationships every time he told me. He also lives in California and has not met me in person yet therefore I just couldn't believe it was true. I am still being cautious but it is very disarming for me nonetheless. It's really nice to be noticed and wanted.

I have also been making new friends. My friendship with Troy has gotten more profound. I understand and accept that it will never be more than friendship and that's ok. He has a very big crush on an ex of his that lives in Texas. Tanya and I have also gotten to be good friends. I like her a lot and can comprehend his obvious interest in her. It's really pleasant to have such a good female friend. I have always had difficulties having and keeping female friends because either I am too insecure or they are. Sometimes they simply don't relate. It was beginning to give me a complex in regards to having/maintaining female friendships. I think that all of my other friendships have pretty much stabilized. It's a nice change of pace.

I think that's all for now, I am getting very sleepy now.

I just finished up watching my recorded episode of CSI:. It's the one where Grissom (William Petersen) leaves the series.

It made me a bit sad.

It also reminded me of the fact that people come and go in our lives. This has been something I have known for a long time. It's the story of my life. It seems that they all serve some sort of purpose or reason.

Some of those people love us, some of them challenge us, some of them hurt us, some of them heal us. I would like to believe that all of them teach us though. Some of these lessons are more painful than others.

I think about it more and I feel pain. I understand my parents will always be my parents. They love me for all of my life. I will continue to love them even after they are no longer physically with me. This cycle will continue with him even after I am no longer physically with him. I still struggle with facing the fact that I know I will have to let my son go. If he does not leave me first. When I won't see him everyday. It's a very sobering feeling.

I have come to terms with the fact that the people in my life are here today but could very well be gone tomorrow. I want to find my forever person who will be my anchor. The person who will not be just another ship passing in the night.

by: Kimberly A. Lee

One day I will rise above and beyond the clouds you have made
And grasp the stars of my future and dreams that I have laid
You will see I did not succumb to your mistakes and faults
That would put on my dream, stars and independence a long hault
Perhaps when you see my final outcome you will forgive
My defiance and stubborness to live how I will live
Please do not allow us to part in anger, promise me
You will try to understand my need of freedom and see

Release me from your bondage and allow me to just fly
If this world is only sink or swim, you know I will never die
Even though I know that bonds can be so hard to break apart
I just have to get out in the world and make my new start

This pain I've felt and hurt that flows through my veins corrupts me
Turns me into something I can't imagine me to be
If you were to see right through into my psyche and soul
You would see it bleeding and fading to an empty hole
Try and see things my way for once in your life and learn this:
Keeping a person boxed up cannot create any bliss.
I know why a caged bird sing it's melancholy, sad songs
Because it just wants to fly away to where it belongs.

Release me from your bondage and allow me to just fly
If this world is just sink or swim, you know I won't die
Even though I know that bonds can be so hard to break apart
I just have to get out in the
world and make my new start

I just need to rant a bit. Sometimes it is [for a lack of a better word but] amazing how people can be masters of letting other people down. How they can simply just not care about someone else's feelings. How they are here and then gone tomorrow. Sometimes these people, the more and more you see of them after they HAVE LEFT, you begin to see how much of a waste of time and energy they are. It makes it easier for you to move away and on. Not to mention how much better you deserve for your time and effort.

Lost and Found
by Kimberly A. Lee

i chased the end of a rainbow to find you there
when i saw you i had to get near
i looked into your eyes and forgot to breathe
i blinked and thought you were only a dream
and i would wake up at any moment
it would be such a sad way to end
but it was actually real
because you are here still

hold my hand in yours
this is what life's worth living for
you are the cure to my emptiness
a smile to end my sadness
your arms remind me of Home
your kisses whisper shades of known
i am now where i belong
where i am never alone

i want to spend endless days on the beach
listen to the music of your voice when you speak
fall more in love with you than yesterday
i can only weakly sigh whenever you say
i love you because i know it's true
you mean it with every ounce of yourself
it echoes to the (very) core of myself
you never need to ask me what about you i love
the look on my face already says enough

you leave me speechless by simply smiling
being in love makes me think that i'm flying
who ever knew it was just like the songs said?
reminds me of a romance novel i once read
except this feels a whole lot better
than words that lay flat on paper
living in a world of only imaginary
when i can have reality


[Originally written 10/03/2002]

This is a song that I wrote a while back. It is my most prized song/poem. I have not put any music to it but I am open to suggestions if anyone has any. :) I was being heavily influenced by John Mayer and Shakira at the time that I wrote this.

since feeling is first
lyrics by: Kimberly A. Lee

i want to feel the touch of your skin
i long for your pleasure within
My body and all that is physical
But not just the ordinary and typical
Like things that you read in Playboy
Or the magazines about sex and toys
This should be absolutely real
Make you desire, need and feel
My heart, body and soul
Drive you mad and lose control

i will lick your lips
And kiss your fingertips
Let me be irresistible
And render you insatiable
Make me go crazy and wild
Then settled and mild
Let me feel the things you mean to say
Remind me of them all day

i want our skin to be the farthest distance
Between us at any given instance
Feel the words "i love you"
Understand that it's true
Told from my body to yours alone
In a silent language, only to us is known
Caress me tenderly
kiss me so softly
Leave me helpless with a simple smile
Secure me in your arms for a while

In the calm after the storm
When we are depleted and worn
Delight me with a little story
Of the past or of future glory
Make me laugh at a silly joke
Or have me hang from the words you spoke
i will trace every contour of your skin
And maybe we will start all over again
Rustling the "sea of blankets"
Let our bodies find each other yet ...
Again

i will lick your lips
And kiss your fingertips
Let me be irresistible
And render you insatiable
Make me go crazy and wild
Then settled and mild
Let me feel the things you mean to say
Remind me of them all day

You just have to remember to look for it. And sometimes you just have remember things could always be worse. And that things happen for a reason, we may not know it off-hand, but it is out there. Waiting to jump out and tackle us.

Sometimes this is advice that can be very useful. It is always a bit frustrating when you know what you want to say but there are no words to say it without there being repercussions for those words. Even after you say them, you may not be able to do enough damage control to make things right again. Nothing in life is easy, ne?

On another note ...

I believe I am no longer found to be special to a certain someone. It kind of hurts, and makes me kind of lonely. I miss his company, but I also know there is a block with him. Part of me knew I was just something fleeting to him. This does not mean it does not hurt. I am working on remaining positive and embracing my solace.

Today can be just as good as tomorrow.

This was posted as a bulletin by one of my friends on MySpace and thought it was funny.

A Girl's Guide to Geek Guys

By Mikki Halpin and Victoria Maat

So, your crush on the bass player from Vibrating Sandbox has finally died a whimpering death and you're wondering where to go from here. All the sinister dudes are either dating a series of interchangeable high-school riot girls in baby doll dresses and an overdose of manic panic, or permanently shacked up with some bitter old lady who pays all the bills. Which will it be, a wifely prison or a humiliating one night stand? Into this void of potential mates comes a man you may not have considered before, a man of substance, quietude and stability, a cerebral creature with a culture all his own. In short, a geek.


Why Geek Dudes Rule

They are generally available.

Other women will tend not to steal them.

They can fix things.

Your parents will love them.

They're smart.


Where The Geek Dude Lurks

While they are often into alternative music, geek dudes tend not to go to shows too often. Instead you'll find them hanging out with their friends, discussing the latest hardware revolution or perfecting their Bill Gates impressions. You know how some people wear t-shirts with their favorite bands on them, thus showing that they went to certain shows? Well, geek dudes wear t-shirts with the logos of different software companies on them, thus showing that they are up on the latest, um, releases. A small, though convivial, rivalry may be detected here amongst the geek dudes. Try wearing one yourself and see if he strikes up a conversation. Of course the best way to meet a geek dude is through the Internet. All geeks harbor a secret fantasy about meeting some girl in cyberspace, carrying on an e-mail romance in which he has the chance to combine an activity he is comfortable with, computing, with one he is very uncomfortable with, socializing. To many geek dudes, cyberdating is just an advanced form of some kind of video game, but they are frustrated by a lack of players. Their lack is your strength.


Imprinting

You might notice that these men harbor some strange ideas about how the world works and some particularly strange ideas about women. There is a reason for this. Because they've had limited interpersonal experience, geek dudes must look elsewhere for behavior models.
Lacking a real world social milieu, geeks often go through a transference stage with
such narratives, and try to model their interactions on them. Thus, certain media images and themes come to have an overly cathected, metaphorized reality to them, while the rest of us view such programming as mere entertainment. Case in point, our next topic...

The Trek factor

If you're not up on your Star Trek, you can forget about getting or keeping a geek dude. And I'm not just talking vintage-era Captain Kirk and Spock either. You've got to be up on your The Next Generation, your Deep Space Nine, your Babylon 5. Armed with your own knowledge of Federation policies, you can better gauge when and how to act. The sexual politics of Star Trek are pretty blunt: the men run the technology and the ship, and the women are caretakers (a doctor and a counselor). Note the sexual tensions on the bridge of the Enterprise: the women, in skin tight uniforms, and with luxuriant, flowing hair. The men, often balding, and sporting some sort of permanently attached computer auxiliary.

This world metaphorizes the fantasies of the geek dude, who sees himself in the geeky - but - heroic male officers and who secretly desires a sexy, smart, Deanna or Bev to come along and deferentially accept him for who he is. If you are willing to accept that this is his starting point for reality, you are ready for a geek relationship.


Once You've Nabbed Him

Of course, catching that geek guy is only half the battle. Keeping him by your side is another story altogether. I was privileged to speak with Miss Victoria Maat, who not only got herself a geek guy but was also clever enough to marry him just a few short months ago. She interrupted her newlywed bliss to give us a few tips on the care and feeding of a geek man: Geeks are sensitive and caring lovers and husbands. If you can hang with the techno-lifestyle, they make the best mates. They are the most attractive people, not flashy or hunky, but the kind who get cuter and more alluring over time (I told you she was a newlywed). Definitely give geeks a chance.

Geek Cuisine

Geeks tend towards packaged, junk foods since they prefer to work and think and aren't all that into cooking for themselves. Make sure that your geek understands that you are not merely a replicator, and provide him with home cooked food. A batch of chocolate chip cookies will let him know that you love him. You do have to monitor your geek for weight gain; however, remember that most of their days are spent sitting and staring at a monitor.


Geek Lifestyle

The geek dude has long work habits and tends to bring his work home with him. He seems permanently connected to his hard disk. You must at least appear interested in his work. Generally, a solid understanding of the computer is a must; if you cannot master this, you should at least be able to talk the talk. Remember most geeks are anal and they get stressed about details which appear insignificant. Be understanding, put on your best Deanna Troi face (see above) and empathize. To relax, geeks love to play the latest computer games.
Let him play Myst or Chuck Yeager's Air Combat for hours if he
wants to. Act concerned if he's stuck or has just been ambushed by three MiGs. My geek loves to try to help people on the Internet who say that they are stuck in Myst. He comes up with clever riddles instead of directing them point blank. Geeks also like to go to sci-fi and Japanese animated movies, again, a basically harmless vent for your man.


Geek Buddies

Many geeks extend their work friendships into what they jokingly refer to as RL (Real Life, also known as "that big room with the ceiling that is sometimes blue and sometimes black with little lights"). The greatest thing about your geek's buddies is that you can feel secure in setting them up with your girlfriends. They may feel awkward around females at first, so don't overwhelm them. In time they will come out of their shell and realize that you are into the same things they are.


Post-It Note

I thank Victoria for the above advice. I must say that when she read my draft of the piece, before writing her section, she asked her husband which one he thought she was more like, Deanna or Beverly.
Howard, the devil, immediately replied that he had always thought Victoria was actually most like Ensign Ro Laren, a cute character with a slight authority
problem who is always had trouble (this is fairly apt).
This exchange is interesting for several reasons:

1.Howard had already thought about who she was most like.

2. He could summon up characters from seasons past with ease.

3.Victoria actually knew who he meant.

4.Folks, I think this marriage will last.


One Last Thing

Because they have been so abused and ignored by society, many geeks have gone underground. You may actually know some and just haven't noticed them. They often feel resentful, and misunderstood, and it is important to realize this as you grow closer to them. Don't ever try to force the issue, or make crazy demands that he choose between his computer and you. Remember, his computer has been there for him his whole life; you are a new interloper he hasn't quite grasped yet Geek dudes thrive on mystery and love challenges and intellectual puzzles. Don't you consider yourself one? Wouldn't you like a little intellectual stimulation or your own? We thought so.

And it's making me feel guilty. Ai ya!

Hmm. What to write about?

Well, on the personal life side of things, it's getting better. I'm getting a bit more used to being alone. I'm learning it is definitely better than staying in a relationship for all the wrong reasons. It is also sad when you feel yourself slowly being let go. Reminds me of a train wreck happening in slow motion.

I've been thinking of hobbies lately and I've gotten a few ideas. I'm not ready to reveal anything yet. I still have to put some stuff into motion first though.

I've been doing my best to juggle between posting on my LJ and MySpace blog. I kind of have to think about it for a moment and say, "Would this be better as a LJ or a MySpace blog?" It seems to be evening out. I enjoy both sites though. I've just made sure that most things that pop into my mind get blogged.

I was thinking, which happens, but I promise I am trying to quit.

. o ( It is interesting how people are big on controlling what is said on their pages and blogs.)

Perhaps I am a bit too non-chalant or something. I don't like limiting what people have to say. If I don't like what they said, I delete it, but I don't have it set to where it has to have my approval for it to be shown. Hmm. Maybe I am just weird that way. I'm not sure. I really like the thought of freedom of speech and expression that way.

I have a friend who died earlier this year. Her page is still on MySpace. I posted a comment on it telling her how much I missed her. It was nice to be able to leave it there. Since she didn't have it where she would have to approve the comment before leaving it, it showed up on her page. I am proud to say I am carrying on in her tradition. :)

R.I.P. Cassandra.

... just floating along in life.

Can't wait for my lunch date tomorrow! :)

I have been feeling amazing lately. I am really embracing being single again. I had forgotten how nice the freedom of being able to do what you want and not worrying. It is liberating. I am not bound to anyone else's feelings. I can remember how it feels to be me. I guess I never really noticed just how much I lose myself in a relationship. I'm not as bad as I used to think I am. Imagine that. ;)

:( But I did finally get my sorry carcass out to see a Rocky show. It was very amusing. I just wish I had bothered to watch the movie before going to see the show. I was a bit too preoccupied with watching the movie than really paying attention to the jokes made during the show. Oh well, serves me right for being dorky that way. Watashi no baka desu ne. It was nice to go out and try something new! :)

I believe I am ready to move on now. I am never entirely sure where I find my strength, but I do manage to find it when I need it. I am over waiting for someone who does not know what he wants. It is much too painful. It is better to be alone for all of the right reasons than with someone for all the wrong ones. There is much more out there. That emptiness isn't bothering me nearly as much as it was before. So, what now? Who knows. I'm not even interested in thinking about it.

On another note, can't wait for the show tomorrow night!!! Tampa here we come!

for the show on Saturday. It's been a while since i saw The Material. Saturday, hurry up and get here!!! :)

On another note, i am coming to terms with things. I still have a while, but i will get there. I just need to give myself some more time and some more air. Life did not begin with him and i am sure it will not end with him either.

how sometimes the things we do not say can make a (big) difference.

Okok, i promise to write a happy blog soon ...

Just get me over whatever this is first!

About me:

I try my best to be optimistic
I can be horribly naive
I am a single mother
I sometimes feel older than my age
I try to be the best parent I can
I prefer text to photos sometimes
I am not a great housekeeper
I have dark brown eyes
I am different
I like using short sentences
I am American-born to Chinese-Jamaican parents
I do not only blog when I am upset
I am brutally honest and it is not always appreciated
I listen to many different kinds of music
I am not a vegetarian
I try not to use similes
I developed seasonal allergies after moving to Orlando
I don't believe I have found my forever person
I am many things, sometimes all at the same time

If you have questions, comments or constructive criticism, feel free.

to use this since i signed up for it. But most everyone i know uses MySpace and my main blog will still be there. Also, in order to stop from forgetting my password every time i log in ...

Ok, Life as i am living it now:

Back to being single. Living with it. Getting accustomed to it again. As Stian commented, i simply do not manage to be a member of the Stian Club for very long (at all).

Work is well, work. I've gotten the hang of it for the most part. I'm beginning to get ants in my pants though and am really checking out different positions again. What else can i say? I'm just the restless type.

Timmy just got his progress report. All A's with 1 B exception. I promised him Crazy Buffet if he makes Principal's Honor roll at least twice. I think i may ask someone else if they would like to join us on such a joyous occasion.

I'm realizing i really need to get out more. Since i am now home a lot more. That is in the works. Suggestions are welcome.

We have a new housemate. We went to high school together. It is nice to have another adult around to converse with on a regular basis. In addition to financial assistance. It's been great so far. We've reconnected as friends and keep a rather open line of communication. We are being each other's support system. She's a godsend for me right now.

Ok i also need to shower and get going to sleep soon, my sleep aid is beginning to take effect.